


got me in my head (got me wishing i was with you)

by ninedrinkamy



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, Get Together, but romantically enjoyable, gratuitous fix it, morally questionable, of something that didn't need to be fixed!!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 10:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22430779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninedrinkamy/pseuds/ninedrinkamy
Summary: in which Amy pines and Jake realizes he's with the wrong girl, after all.
Relationships: Jake Peralta & Amy Santiago, Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Kudos: 83





	got me in my head (got me wishing i was with you)

**Author's Note:**

> wow haven't posted fic in ages but HERE WE ARE. 
> 
> loosely inspired by the song See Through by The Band Camino.

It starts with that look on his face, that day at the Maple Drip Inn. His slack-jawed, softened wonder at her tiny admission of liking him, (once). She wonders what his face would look like if she told him the whole truth - that she's leaving Teddy because he's boring, yes, but also because he's not JAKE. Jake, who makes her laugh even when she feels like crying. Jake, who might be the only other person who loves being a detective as much as she does. Jake, who is the opposite of boring and normal and perfect, but who sees her - all the non-boring, abnormal, imperfect parts of her - and still wants to be with her. _Wanted_ to be with her. She has to remind herself of the past tense in this moment when she sees the ghost of hopeful affection flit through his eyes, because Sophia sees it too and as soon as it's there it's gone. And Amy’s gut-punched with the gravity of what's just happened, what she's just revealed, even if it's only a fraction of what she feels for him now. Because Sophia is standing up and Teddy’s voice is raised and Jake goes after his girlfriend leaving Amy to pick up the pieces of a night she didn't ask for anyway - a night she wishes she could erase from her consciousness and especially Jake’s. But somewhere deep down, even though she knows it isn't fair, she feels relieved that he knows at least a little bit of where she is, where she's been. Even if it's embarrassing and cringe-worthy and makes her feel so, so alone. Jake is with Sophia - perfect, beautiful, funny Sophia. And Amy is alone and wishing she had come to her senses a year ago, when she still had a chance with the man she really wants to be with.

On the awkward ride home the next day, Amy presses her face against the cool glass of his passenger side window and tries not to cry, because Jake’s joking and teasing about her feelings that he thinks are in the past. All she wants is to escape this moment, the way her heart is aching and her nose is filled with the smell of him, something warm and sweet and earthy. She holds it together, but only  
just.

_

Back in her apartment, hours later and with a little separation from the situation and time to think, she can breathe again. Even though her brain tells her that her feelings are unfair, her heart reminds her that Jake had at one point confessed his feelings to her while she was dating Teddy. He'd been honest with her. He had let her know that he was an option, even when he was fairly certain she wouldn't take it. He'd been brave - a hell of a lot braver than she is being right now, curled up in a ball in her bathtub, letting the steam rise around her as she tries to wash away the shame and sadness she's feeling. She wants to be honest with Jake, too, but she doesn't know how to be in a way that won't seem pushy, overeager, manipulative. She eyes her phone, sitting on the bathroom floor just out of arms reach, and contemplates grabbing it to...what? Call him? Text him some deep confession and then throw her phone against a wall so she doesn't have to face his answer? Amy groans, pressing her cheek against her knee and trying to regulate her erratic heartbeat. She's just about slowed it down to an easy resting place when she hears her phone buzz and her blood pressure shoots up again immediately. She's pretty sure it won't be Jake, but her stupid, hopeful heart jumps to life anyway and she scrambles to the edge of the tub and hastily towels off her hands before picking it up.

The smiling photo of Jake that lights up her screen doesn't register to her as reality at first, and she just stares at it for so long that the screen goes dark again. Then, panicking, she jumps out of the bathtub and pulls on a robe, quickly toweling off her wet hair, and positioning her thumb over the “call back” button on her phone. Here she hesitates, her anxious mind pouring over the possibilities of why Jake is calling her now, after their awkward car ride and the tears she's 98% sure he saw streaking her cheeks before she could deftly wipe them away. She's immediately mortified again. How could she let herself fall this deep into the fantasy that Jake might still have feelings for her, especially since she hasn't actually told him that she still has feelings for him, either? He's dating someone. A gorgeous and lovely and good-for-him someone. Who is she to throw a wrench into his relationship with unnecessary admissions? And yet, the thought of seeing him tomorrow and him _not_ knowing makes her hands shake, because it's all boiled up into so much (too much) inside of her and she isn't sure who she can talk to about it. Who would be there for her to unravel to when she needs it most?

She knows the answer to that question, and the answer is Jake.

This realization serves as another punch to her gut, but it also solidifies a decision in her heart. Just as she's about to hit that button to call him back, her phone buzzes again.

His face, smiling up at her. A selfie he'd taken on her phone a few weeks after their “date”, when he must have been harboring feelings for her, but before the Tactical Village and her chance encounter with Teddy. Her stomach churns at the memory of that day, their breezy flirtation, the way she passed it off as friendly banter and tried not to notice the way his gaze lingered on her face when she had snatched her phone out of his hands and noticed the string of photos he'd taken of himself, his face contorted in a myriad of funny positions. The one she'd picked as his contact photo was just him smiling, though. A huge toothy grin, just for her.

“Amy?”

He asks when she answers, and she's a little startled by the seriousness of his voice.

“Um - hey.” She says uncertainly, walking into her room and sitting down on the floor by her bed, tucking her knees to her chin. He doesn't say anything for a second, just lets out a long, deep breath. “Is everything ok?” She asks quietly, hoping he doesn't hear the slight tremor in her voice.

“Not really,” he says, still in a flat tone that’s so unlike him, “but it will be.” Then he goes silent, so she waits. It sounds like the noise of a bar behind him, but she knows Jake and he sounds stone-cold sober. He sighs again. “Ames, I just gotta know, is there still…do you still…” he trails off, and Amy can actually hear him swallow. So she takes the plunge for him.

“Do I still like you?” She asks, her voice quiet, but her heart hammering.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Yes.”

“Amy?”

“Yes. I still like you.”

He’s silent again for another moment, the background noise raucous and muddled behind him.

“Are you at Shaw’s?” She asks, genuinely curious though the mild, racing panic at having just answered his question honestly.

“Um, yeah.” He says, and the abnormal lack of conversation by him is starting to really freak her out. She starts twisting a strand of damp hair around her finger to keep from biting her nails to the quick.

“Are you drunk?” She asks, softly, because she’s so confused and so exhausted and she doesn’t want to have this conversation with him if he’s been out drinking with Sophia and just wants to push her buttons. She’s surprised when he chuckles. Though it’s a darker chuckle than she’s used to from her partner, she still feels a little relieved at the break in tension.

“No, Amy, I’m not drunk. Can I come over?”

This surprises her.

“Um, I don’t know Jake, what about -“

“Sophia and I broke up.” He cuts her off, and he sounds resigned, but his voice lighter than she expected. Something releases in her chest, and it feels good for a second until she quickly reminds herself that this is her best friend and he just went through something hard and she’s not supposed to be _pleased_.

“You broke up,” she repeats back at him, slowly, and immediately feels like an idiot. “Why?”

He huffs out a breath and it crackles over the phone speaker. “I’d rather talk about it in person, Ames. Well, I’d actually rather not talk about it at all but this is important and I’m trying to not, you know, run away from things like I normally do.”

“Okay.” She says, hesitantly, a thousand thoughts rattling in her head. “If you’re sure.”

“I am. See you in ten.”

And then he hangs up, leaving Amy staring at her glowing phone screen with wide eyes. She has absolutely no idea what any of this means. Jake wants to know how she feels, but she still has no real idea what he feels for her - whether this visit is a consolation or a confession. Whether he needs time or a shoulder to cry on or help from a friend or a loveless release of tension. She doesn’t know what she wants it to be either - it’s all so confusing and complicated. He just went through a break up, and even if he likes her, she doesn’t want to be a rebound. He means too much to her to let this be something impermanent.

She gets dressed slowly, her hands shaking, pulling on her softest leggings and an old, oversized NYPD sweatshirt, figuring that if he sees her at her most vulnerable and undone, he won’t be as afraid to talk to her about his feelings. Sooner than she expected, she hears a knock on her door and her heart flies into her throat. But she takes a deep breath and goes to open it, knowing that no matter what happens tonight, her relationship with Jake is never going to be the same again.

_

He looks sheepish when she opens the door, grinning in a way that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and holds up a bottle of whiskey.

“I figured we might need this.” He says, running his free hand through his hair, his eyes flitting almost imperceptibly from her still-wet hair to her leggings and back to meet her eyes. He looks sad, but hopeful, and that soft and adoring look on his face is suddenly there again, making her blush from head to toe. Even though he’s clearly nervous, shifting from one foot to another, she feels immediately calmer just seeing him. As scared as she is, this is her best friend right in front of her, waiting for her to let him in.

He follows her to her kitchen island and she grabs a few glasses, scooping ice into them while he sits down, uncorking the bottle and pouring them both a healthy amount once she clinks the cups down in front of him. She isn’t sure what to do with her body, whether to hug him or sit next to him, curl into him or kiss him. Her skin is tingling with anticipation and trepidation and the way he’s looking at her is still so arresting that she can’t think of anything to say. She settles on leaning against the bar across from him, pulling up a stool and clutching her hands around her drink like a lifeline. She meets his eyes for a moment, but it’s like staring at the sun, so her gaze falls back to the amber liquid in her cup and he heaves a sigh, breaking the silence.

“I need to be honest with you, because this whole situation is making it hard for me to think straight.” He finally says. “Amy, can you look at me?” His voice is so soft, so tender, so she does, and he’s smiling now in a way that makes her heart ache so painfully that she suddenly, horrifyingly, wants to cry. He must see the tears pricking at the corner of her eyes because without a moment of hesitation he reaches across the counter and covers her shaking hands with his. The gesture is so warm, so kind, and so _Jake_ that instead of feeling soothed, she chokes back a sob.

“Hey, hey, Ames, it’s okay,” he says, pulling her hands gently from their death-grip on her whiskey and laces his fingers through hers. It’s completely unexpected, and everything she needs all at once. “I’m here and we’re okay, we’re more than okay, we’re-“ he takes another deep breath and then laughs nervously. She meets his eyes, and finds them so vulnerable that it takes her breath away.

“I’m sorry,” she finally says, not sure what she’s apologizing for exactly, whether it’s her tears or his breakup or her confession or the undeniable and nearly unbearable tension between them in this moment.

“You shouldn’t be,” and his voice is determined and steady. “I wasn’t being honest, with you or myself or…Sophia, I guess. She saw the way I looked at you…look at you, and just…she knew she didn’t have me, not really. I needed to know that I wasn’t crazy, thinking that I might have a shot with you. And it wasn’t fair to her to keep pretending that she was what I wanted when even just knowing that you _used_ to like me put me in such a tailspin. What Teddy said, about you getting confused every time I confessed my feelings to you? It…brought up a lot. I realized that I’ve been waiting, distracting myself, hoping through all of it that you'd like me back some day. And Sophia saw it, too, and we both knew there wasn’t any point in pretending like what we were doing was going to last, because I wasn’t in love with her, couldn’t be, because I’ve never stopped -“ he cuts off, fear flicking through his brown eyes and Amy lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“What, Jake?”

“Loving you.”

“Oh.” She says, softly, but the gravity of it hits her like a truck. Jake loves her. Jake loves her, Jake is here telling her he loves her and suddenly, she isn’t so scared anymore. She isn’t afraid of anything. Jake loves her and it’s enough to make her feel invincible, even though she’s still wrestling with what to call this feeling she has for him. Whatever it is, she's pretty sure it's bigger than any feeling she's ever experienced before.

“You don’t - I’m not asking for you to feel the same way or even give me a chance to show you,” he continues carefully, “I just needed you to know because it’s literally eating me from the inside out, I just needed to tell you because I was afraid if I didn’t do it now I’d never get the courage to do it ever, and we’d keep pushing each other away and trying to make this easy when it’s not easy, it’s scary and weird and I don’t know what to do about it because you’re just…so beautiful and so perfect, Ames. And everything I’ve ever wanted.”

And then the corners of her mouth turn up into a smile for the first time since last night’s disastrous dinner. Jake loves her, and Jake wants to try. Tentatively, he smiles back at her, and even the tiniest hint of a grin from him is so infectious that Amy can’t help but smile wider, which transforms his face too and suddenly they’re both laughing, holding hands across the bar and laughing until their ribs hurt, laughing at the ridiculousness of their situation and with _relief_ , knowing that they aren’t alone in it anymore. When they’re finally able to catch their breath, the Look is back on his face and Amy can’t take it anymore, she slides off her stool and makes her way around the island to him in moments. He turns to meet her and when she steps between his knees where he’s sitting on the stool, he grabs her hands again and pulls her close, into a strange but perfect hug, his hands tracing down her spine and hers coming up to card through his hair, something she’s always wanted to do. It’s as soft as she’d always imagined. He lets out something between a groan and a sigh and she goes to press her face to his neck to hide her blushing face, but he pulls back, eyes wide and pupils dark, like he’s surprised by his own reaction. Wordlessly, he reaches up and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, and then before she can think or even figure out who moved first, they’re kissing right there against her kitchen counter. Jake tastes like coffee and whiskey and mint and it’s everything she wanted and more than she could have ever expected. He kisses her like she’s a revelation, nipping at her bottom lip, slotting his mouth across hers, dragging a hand through her hair and settling it on the back of her neck. Every gesture, every touch sends shivers down to her toes. She lets out a soft moan and opens to him, deepening the kiss and stepping even closer to him a little forcefully, so he slides off the stool and lets her press him back into the counter. As their hips meet it drags strangled noises from both of their mouths, causing them to startle a little and pull back, dazed and smiling at each other like idiots.

“Is this okay?” Amy asks, because she needs to know that this isn’t just right now, that it’s real and meaningful and that it will go beyond just tonight.

“Amy this is -“ he starts, and then shakes his head, chuckling. “More than okay.”

“I just mean,” she says, suddenly hesitant, “you and Sophia just - I just, I don’t want to be -“

“A rebound?” Jake asks, his smile more tender now, and he passively thumbs her bottom lip in a way that makes her toes curl.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Ames, you know _she_ was the rebound.”

This hits her, his honesty and admission, this realization that all of this time they should have been doing this, and there would be two people in the world right now who hadn’t just had their hearts broken.

“I’ve been so stupid.” Amy groans, bringing a hand up to her face. Jake nods almost solemnly, but gently pulls her hand free, threading his own fingers through it.

“Amy, it’s okay, we can take this as slow as we need to, but I need you to really get it. I’m yours, and I’m here.”

Amy considers this for a moment. Normally, she would insist on “slow”. She has a firm three-date rule and an even firmer “never make out with a guy the night he and his girlfriend break up” rule, but this is Jake and she thinks they’ve wasted enough time already, dancing around something that must have been so glaringly obvious to everyone around them. It had been to Teddy, and it seems it had been to Sophia, too. Jake is here, Jake just kissed her - her best friend in the whole world, the man she wants, just told her that he loves her.

And this makes all the other considerations fly out the window, so she cups his chin in her hands and drags his lips back to hers.

They can figure the rest out in the morning.


End file.
